I wish... I wish... I wish...

Over the past two years of my college experience I have spent a lot of time wishing on what I thought I wanted my life to be like.  It sometimes was the simple things like how I wished I lived in a bigger room my freshman year.. or how I wished I wasnt a freshman at all.  Sophomore year things began to become a bigger deal and pretty soon I was wishing for much greater things.  It was this year in my college life that I got placed on academic probation.. No, I am not proud of this, but I learned a lot from this trying time in my life.  It was this point in my life where I looked at all the "smart" people around me and thought... "I wish it came easy for me..."  I wished that I could be smart like them and not have to study as hard for the C grades I was getting.  Life for me at this time was probably the hardest it has ever been.  I felt lost and alone and no one could help me but myself.  When I stopped wishing I was that "smart" person and picked up the books, I became "that" person.  Second semester I got off probation and going through that time of my life was actually a good thing.  I learned a lot from that period in my life, and now I know I can conquer anything God hands me.  In order for me to get through that time, I had to stop looking at other people and wishing I were them... I had to look at myself and ask myself what I had to do to become the person I wanted to be, not anyone else.

This is where the main point of this blog begins... I spend so much time in my life looking at other people and comparing myself to them and wishing I could be like them or have the things they have.  I wish I didnt have to worry about money, I wish I could be the rich guy on the block who just has all the money he needs for anything he wants to go out and buy.. but then I realize that is not in my cards right now.  And while I do this to myself, it becomes a cycle of just putting myself down.  I cant work enough to make that much money, I cant zoom through college and get a job to be making that kind of money.  I have to get there step by step in my own way.  So my question to you is... how many of us waist our time playing the "I wish" game.. How many of us compare ourselves to others and just want their life, or are just plain jealous of their life.  I am pretty sure we are all the same way.  We all do these things that are natural in our everyday life, that naturally put us down.  It is time to pick yourself up and realize that you can be whoever you want to be! But that does not mean you should just be whoever you see around you.  We have to be our OWN people, we have to be beautiful in our own way.. Stop looking at your neighbor and being jealous of their life, stop seeing a nice car and wishing you had it, stop wishing you were skinny like the girl on tv or that you had nice clothes like the girls on your campus.  We all are our own special selves and we can make ourselves whoever we want to become.  I am beautiful in my own special way, and so are you.  We dont have to compare ourselves to each other to see that.  Jesus doesnt compare us to each other.  He doesnt sit back in a chair and judge who he loves more; he doesnt love anyone more!  Jesus loves us all the same, and do you know why? Because we are all beautiful in his eyes!! We were made beautiful in his image.  So instead of wishing you were the student who had it easy, turn to yourself and thank God that you dont have it that way.  I am who I am because of these things I have gone through, and I honestly believe I am more "beautiful" because of them.  Go about your days, smile at everyone you see, love everyone around you because we are all equals on this earth; there isnt anyone out there better than anyone else, so make the world a better place and beYOUtiful, be genuinely YOU, be unique the way God made you, dont get caught in the "I wish... I wish... I wish..." game.

Lost and Found at Sea

So this song randomly came into my life this week.  It kept playing in my car and the more and more I listened to and sang along to it, the more and more I fell in love with it.  When I realized today I hadnt posted my blog, I realized I should probably do that so I started thinking about what I was going to write and decided to call it Lost and Found at Sea.  Then I remembered this song.  So I would like to start this post with the lyrics to this song and if you get the chance listen to Mayday by The Icarus Account, because it really is a good song.

Mayday Mayday
Someone save me
I am fragile
Oh somebody rescue me
Oh somebody tell me you will
Concrete Heartache Left me awake
Sleepless Sleeper
Oh somebody wake me up
Oh somebody tell me you will
Tell me that you're going to save me
That everything is gonna be ok
I'm screaming but nobody can hear me
Can you save me from myself? No, no, no, no
How can the be? I've tried and tried and tried
But I'm sill lost out at sea
When did I become the things that
I used to hate I'm stranded to this ship
Left to fall with a crash of the waves (mayday)
Tell me that you're going to save me That everything is gonna be ok
I'm screaming but nobody can hear me
Can you save me from myself? Mayday Mayday Mayday


Many times in my life I have felt lost out at sea, and I often wonder if I will be found.  I look around me and realize that this is normal; it is normal for me to feel stress, to worry about things, or to feel anxiety over some things.. this is normal, yes, but it is not the end of the world.  We are fragile human beings and sometimes the littlest things get to us, and we dont even realize it.  We stress about grades in school, we stress about work if its not going the way we would like, we worry about what we look like in the eyes of others, whether we are strong or whether we are weak, we are all fragile.  It is easy to break us, its just not easy to realize these little things that are getting to us.  Sometimes unhappiness, or heartache can be like concrete on the heart; it is a heavy burden to carry.  Especially if you dont even realize you are carrying it.  Jesus carried his cross, he carried burdens, and whether or not this was as tough as ours, he gave us the ability to carry them and get through it.  However I do not believe this has to happen alone.. Jesus also gave us each other to help with the burdens we carry.  We are not supposed to walk through this world alone, we are not supposed to be going through hard times alone.  So look around you and find that someone who is there to help you.  You cannot expect to do this alone because we were not made strong enough to handle all our burdens alone.  When you realize that you are having a hard time with something, or that you are lost, then scream for somebody to help you, do not shut everyone out because there is someone in that crowd that is there to help you.  I believe someone will be there to hear you, and they can save you from your pain.  If you have to call a Mayday and no one hears you, then talk to the one who hears all your cries.  Talk to God, find peace in him and he will give you rest.  God is powerful and merciful and he will never let us hurt when we are crying out.  Often times when I am lost, the first place I think to go is to God.  Turn to him and he will put a smile on your face, he will be the lighthouse you need to find your way home, he will tell you that "everything is going to be ok."

In this World that I Borrow

Life gets crazy sometimes... and I often forget to stop and think about what is really going on around me.  I worry about the little things like what I am going to wear for the day, how much homework I am going to have, or even as little as what kind of cheese I am going to put on my sandwich.  These are all legitimate things I worry about on a day to day basis.  I don't know about you but... these things can get pretty stressful... Sometimes (after spending a good 10 minutes worrying) I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that these things don't really matter all that much...  I forget to worry about the big things in life, like:  Who worries about the homeless people on the streets?  Who worries about the pollution from all our cars?  Who worries about kids living in poverty?  While I am at the beach getting my tan on, I rarely think about who is freezing in the cold because they don't have enough clothes to keep themselves warm.  When I am stuck in traffic, I rarely think about the less fortunate who don't even have cars to drive who walk everywhere they go.  When I am stuck in MY WORLD thinking about what outfit I am going to wear, or what cheese to put on my sandwich I am failing to see the big picture.

I often get stuck in this "me world" where everything I think about is what has to do with my life.  Ya I think about the homeless when I see them on the street, I think about the kids in poverty, but I never do anything about these things.  We think about them and then we let them slip by because they have nothing to do with our life.  We let the little things of our lives become big things; and the big problems of the world become the little things.  We should strive to make this "me world" go away.  We aren't going to be living on this world forever; it is like we are borrowing this world to hand it off to the next people to come and take care of it.  God lent us this world to see the bad things in it, to see the big problems and to do something about them; to help the homeless on the street, give to the needy, lend a hand to the helpless, be a crutch for the wounded, and to heal the broken.  I encourage everyone this week to do something nice for someone you don't know.  Look around you; pay attention to your "borrowed world" and take note of the big picture, take note of the big things in your life and worry about them.  Instead of worrying about these little things we always worry about, take time out of your day to worry about the big borrowed world we live in, and make it a better place for the next lenders.

The Room of my Own

If you have not gotten a fresh start on life and moved away from home, or your home town, I strongly advise you do so.  In my experience it has been the greatest thing I was ever able to do for myself.  Sure there are times when I want to be home, have a home cooked meal, cry on my moms shoulder when nothing goes the way I please, have my dad fix anything I need fixing, go play a round of golf with the family whenever I want, have late night talks with my brother about the most interesting things; ya, I miss all these things greatly.  I even miss the little things like watching the stars late at night, the silence of the snow falling on a cold winters day, or even the smell of the rain as it falls on the sidewalk.  But I get by because I know these things will all be there when I return for my next visit home.  These things are my basis for where I grew up, they are things that put the biggest smile on my face because it reminds me of home.  Home is where my heart is, it is where I grew up and where I established who I wanted to become because of the great examples in my life.  But now it is time for me to make my own home and establish that person I decided I wanted to become so long ago.  With these great memories of home I have no fear that I can go out into this big world and make my own path through it, do my own thing, and become who I want to be.  

Two years ago I began this new chapter, this new path to my life.  Since then I have been greatly blessed with amazing new friends, awesome support from my family and many experiences I wouldn't take back for anything.  As I moved back to San Diego for my third year in college I realized how happy I truly am here in my own place I established for myself.  Two years ago I decided to move here, to start my own chapter and to become who I wanted to become.  This was the best thing I have ever done for myself.  Since then I have learned many lessons in life and even though some of them were very difficult to go through I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given.  Without these opportunities I wouldn't be the woman I am today.  I am happy in this new place of mine, I am happy in this new room of my own that I built it for myself.  I made a pathway to happiness for myself because in these past two years I have learned what makes me happy, I learned what I want out of my life and how to go out there and get it.  This doesn't mean that I am not sad at times when I miss my family, when I just want to be with my boyfriend, or even when I miss the simple things like a home cooked meal or the stars at night.  It doesn't mean that its easy when I have to stay up late to study for finals, or when I have to balance work and school to make money to get by.  It just means that getting out and experiencing the world around you, and finding your true self is an important part of life and we ALL need to experience this.  We ALL need to build a "room of our own".